Friday, May 26, 2006

My brothers wedding

I now belong to a mexican family in a sense, and another woman bears my last name. I've never realised how magical a siblings wedding could be until finally experiencing one. On May 18th I started my long drive down to southern California stopping at Saras house along the way, always looking for a good excuse to drive for hours on end and visit far away friends I seldom get to see. As I got to the great vine I knew that my poor little car (I like to call Big Bertha) was not the sweet young vibrant thing is used to be, so I kept to the right side of the road preparing mentally and physically for what do do if it overheated, and sure enough within the first couple of minutes the needle started to steadily climb to the big red bar. So I pulled off the road in a bit of dispair and waited for someone who knew what they were doings car to overheat. Not that it was lucky for the two sweet little old men but it was lucky for me that they fell into my same bad luck and they were able to help me out. I kept my fear that there engine was going to explode to myself when I watched them first turn there water nozzle, and fountains of hot yellowy water came violently shooting out. After helping me with my own car and showing me what to do if it were to happen again I thanked them, thanked them and thanked them again, then was on my way with that wonderful feeling of just a bit more life experience gained. I now know what to do in an overheating experience. Well kind of. Anyway hmm I love long rode trips. Especially down to southern Cali, With the music blaring and the window only halfway down so the wind can't ruffle my frizzy hair too much. Once finally making it to what should have been an hour to my brothers house I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic for an hour and a half with still 30 miles to go. The whole time I kept my heater full blast becuase my car seamed like it kept wanting to overheat and I've heard it helps to have the heater on. So with no wind to keep me cool I sat, sweat gathering behind my knees rolling down my neck and drip drip dripping. I was running very late because the rehersal dinner was that night, so I tried calling my mom from a pay phone again which I had tried earlier but the stupid (and I say stupid very bitterly and with much passion) card wasn't working. Finally after talking to a very rude phone card operater I got it figured out and finally got through to my brother. All I was going to tell him was that I was running late, so don't worry maybe leave the keys under a mat or something and directions to rehersal dinner. But I was greeted with a, (in a very bigger Responsible brother to younger irresponsible sister kinda way) "Renee how is any one supposed to know where you are? where were you going? we're not at my house we're at Nancys moms house. Moms been worried sick she thought you were going to be here yesterday, she didn't sleep at all last night. blah blah blah and so on" if you ask my mom she'll say I didn't tell her I was staying at my friends house, if you ask me I'll say I did. Anyway Thankfully Nancys moms house (Nancy is the girl who now shares my last name) was in the other direction with no traffic. I made it there all sweaty and exasperated, and met my new soon to be Mexican family. That was the night before the wedding it still hadn't hit me quite yet that my brother was even engaged let alone getting married the next day.
That night I shared a couch with my little sissy Candice who started to fall asleep before me and I just wouldn't have that, cause I was still in the mood to talk and laugh at funny magazine pictures be silly and remenice. So I kept waking her up saying, hey Can, Can, Hey Can, look at this picture, until it finally got impossible and no longer fun to wake her up.
The next day was a busy day washing, shampooing blowdrying, and primping for the wedding. With three woman and one poor man sharing one bathroom. But somehow we were all about ready on time and off to the country club were the wedding was to take place. As I saw my family from both sides start to pile in (a truly joyful and momentous occasion) the reallness started to set in, my brother is getting married. Now there were a few mess ups in the wedding coordination like the wedding march starting to go off when my brother walked down the isle. And a heartbreaking reality of my Grandpas memory loss when he kept saying loudely during the ceremony what a cruel joke it was to play on him to bring him to his grandsons wedding with out having told him anything about it. But seeing a look on my brothers face that was breathtakingly startlesome as he caught sight of his bride walking down the aisle, time seemed to pause for a moment as I realised, wow life is now beggining, a new chapter of neices and nephews, cousins and memories, and I truly believe That I witnessed something magical.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

my diet plan

Well, Renee and Devons diet blogging has inspired me. I figure if I also blog about my own end of the dieting spectrum that me, Elena, Devon and Renee are all part of then it might be a motivator for me. First my reasons for dieting, which I don't even like the word diet, to me it is partner to all of the other foul four letter words that your not allowed to say in church. Why? because it brings up images of low fat, fake, cardboard tasting food, and feelings of anxiety that one chocolate chip cookie mess up can throw me into a binge of everything forbidden. With each and every day the constant 2 things on my mind being, have I lost weight yet, and hmm ben and jerrys. These are the reasons dieting has never worked for me, but all this being said, I do have a bit of an un healthy love affair with sugar, that keeps that unsightly spare tire everpresent around my waist. And I know how good it feels to actually want a fruit smoothy over Vanilla heath bar crunch. So with the help of motivating diet partners and beautiful weather, I am going say bye bye to sugar once again. My diet plan is this, it's pretty simple cause I don't stick with things not simple. I am going to vow right now to all of my friends who read this blog, that everytime I eat sugar of any sort that's been refined, I am going to record it in my blog (with the exception of sweetening my coffee, that will be my endulgence). That way I will be too embarrased to admit how very much sugar I eat and also I will have a lot of accountability. when I reach for that second peice of B-day cake I'll think oh wait I'll have to write this down on my blog, and then I'll be more inclined to pass it up. But I'm not going to completly deny myself , I won't say no b-day cake at all. So this is my plan. And I hope it works.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

All right who stole my personality. Could you please give it back, cause uh! I'm a little lost without it. well That's kinda how I feel. Lack of vision, lack of memory, lack of sense of anything just living day by day. I feel afraid to be excited about anything cause either it won't happen or if it does it wont be what I want after all. I'm sure that if I were to really seek God about this vagueness in my life it would be obvious that the problem is just that, I need to seek God. Lately If I hear anyone give the advise to seek God, dig deeper, press through, I want to just role my eyes and I think that may work for you, but I need more clarity. Then of course knowing how very wrong I am, I make a decision, I am going to give God more time. I am going to pray and seek him, I am going to put the creator of the universe first cause he's God and that’s common sense. Know having made this decision for the quazillionth time I come to God and can’t get past my selfish self. So I feel guilty, Why am I so selfish, why is it all about me, the rush of why’s and shoulds come rushing into my already crowded brain like the hoover dam just broke and I am overwhelmed, the easiest thing to do is just push it all away and go back to living day by day in confusion, silly I know but God always helps me out of these states of minds, and I know The hope I have is even though I am feeling this crazy way, God is stable and loving and has a plan for me. My weaknesses and selfishness never shock God or make him think, wow I don’t know about this Renee girl, I’d better use someone who’s stronger and a bit more stable, who always raises there hands in church and picks up every hitchhiker they come across, even the ones with dogs. No God reminds me that in my weakness he is strong, it’s him, it’s always him who is good. This is where my sigh of relief comes in and where I put my security. It will always be him who is good, and it will always be him who I put my every trust into and who will never let me down.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Frozen Marrow

Yes I do feel like the marrow in my bones has frozen over. Right about the time I went to Sarahs house I didn't see how I could possible handle the cold any more. A mental brakedown was on it's way and looking back I was probably close to a "God I hate this, I can't handle the cold anymore, feel sorry for me, wah wah wah" temper tantrum. Then when I got down to Sarah's house God smiled on me with warm wheather. I never realised how much I love walking across warm hospital parking lots. I felt my spirits soar with the sun and that I could take on the world. Yet in a bit of denial that my mood really could depend that much on a little bit of warmth and sunshine. But now I'm back and shivering so hard I think my teeth are going to shatter into a million peices. My heater is off in my room, so my room feals like Alaska.Yes I know, lots and lots of complaning, I could totaly have it worse, like actually live in Alsaka. So on that note I am going to thank God that I am not an eskimo. And thank you Guys for listening to wy whiny babyness.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Today I was sitting on the porch "watching" Bella and Hannah (I say "watching" cause really I was staring off into la la land) and must to have had a forlorn look on my face because the neighbor's voice came suddenly "your homesick huh?". I instinctively said "oh no just a little spaced out" then I realised actually he was quite right. And maybe that is why I am so spaced out all the time. They say home is where the heart is and maybe I'm a bit too protective over my heart to let it be lived in. As much as I hate plastic couch covers that keep furniture clean I use them all over my own heart home, and who wants to live in or visit a place like that. Yet realizations like that make me fall in love with God all the more, because I remember how intune with me he is and how he knows me like no other. God works on my shortcomings and it is an exciting adventure (though sometimes extremely painful), because the more God uncovers in me these weeknesses the more I cling to him and he comes through with comfort like the biggest strongest coolest bestest daddy that he is.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Fun at Nathan and Sara's

Tha nksbetoSara,mommyofthree,Ifinallyha veablogpage. Icometohelphe rwithhernewb ab yand shegetsmeontheblogbandwagon. Ok That bit of confusion was nathans idea, ha ha, we're all three standing around the computer laughing. He wants me to make the whole first post like that but I'm too chicken. I've been having a merry ol' time at Nathan and Sara's, getting an in depth look of the intensity of motherhood. Yet still daydreaming about the day I get to take part in that same intensity. Eddy and Renee Came up for a few days and it was heaven, haveing so many friends around just hanging out and fellowshiping. I've realised that fellowship is probably my most favorite thing in the world. I feel so happy when friends are around and there's nothing to do but hang out and reminice over all the beauty gained through shared experiences. Sometimes so happy tears start to well up around my eyes because I know no way to contain the joy. I think those are the times that God nudges my side with his elbow and says, see Renee this is what I'm talking about.

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