Tuesday, May 16, 2006

All right who stole my personality. Could you please give it back, cause uh! I'm a little lost without it. well That's kinda how I feel. Lack of vision, lack of memory, lack of sense of anything just living day by day. I feel afraid to be excited about anything cause either it won't happen or if it does it wont be what I want after all. I'm sure that if I were to really seek God about this vagueness in my life it would be obvious that the problem is just that, I need to seek God. Lately If I hear anyone give the advise to seek God, dig deeper, press through, I want to just role my eyes and I think that may work for you, but I need more clarity. Then of course knowing how very wrong I am, I make a decision, I am going to give God more time. I am going to pray and seek him, I am going to put the creator of the universe first cause he's God and that’s common sense. Know having made this decision for the quazillionth time I come to God and can’t get past my selfish self. So I feel guilty, Why am I so selfish, why is it all about me, the rush of why’s and shoulds come rushing into my already crowded brain like the hoover dam just broke and I am overwhelmed, the easiest thing to do is just push it all away and go back to living day by day in confusion, silly I know but God always helps me out of these states of minds, and I know The hope I have is even though I am feeling this crazy way, God is stable and loving and has a plan for me. My weaknesses and selfishness never shock God or make him think, wow I don’t know about this Renee girl, I’d better use someone who’s stronger and a bit more stable, who always raises there hands in church and picks up every hitchhiker they come across, even the ones with dogs. No God reminds me that in my weakness he is strong, it’s him, it’s always him who is good. This is where my sigh of relief comes in and where I put my security. It will always be him who is good, and it will always be him who I put my every trust into and who will never let me down.


Blogger Carrien said...

Hi Renee,

I'm glad you're blogging. I've wondered how you've been, did anything pan out with the I word? nd what have you made recently You want to come cook for this pregnant lady? Isaiah has been in love with black soy bean noodle since you made them for him, I have to make them all the time now.

I've been in your place often and it always comes down to actually saying yes to God, and letting go of whatever it is that is causing me to resist which is sometimes difficult. BUt he's always faithful to bring me to a place where I can. Thank GOd for that.

Love you

11:03 AM  
Blogger The Reitsma Family said...


You are an amazing writer! I know really you're just writing your heart, but its so powerful! I hear you and I'm inspired by you. Love you. Always, Amy

9:35 PM  
Blogger devon said...

Renee i'm loving how i hear your voice in what you've written. the more i get to know you the more i see a girl who is lovely and deep and very fun loving and funny. i love this peek into your heart and am encouraged by your openness.

7:49 AM  
Blogger markiss said...

yo ree-ree-
I was so encouraged to read this blog. I feel like I understand you so much more and I admire the fact that you stand so firmly on God's approval of you, no matter what your performance record looks like. I need more of that in my life. It's sad that we live together and I have to read your blog to learn about your life, but so goes it. Anyway, you inspired me to start my own blog, and it's been really therapeutic so far. Thanks- I love you

4:24 PM  

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