Sunday, June 18, 2006

The winding down at the end of a day. A day full of uncertainty for some, new begginings for others and for me, just passing through. The air is calm and warm. I'm in Elena's new house. She's quietly finishing up her unpacking. The silence is relaxing, the house is Peacefull. I'm going to sleep well and enjoy my coffee in the morning.

Thursday, June 15, 2006


I feel like I’ve just been handed a present, that I’ve opened and inside is a paper that sais all of your wildest dreams are about to come true. So what I’m talking about here is college. And if you’re still wondering I’ll explain more. In school I was always one to assume I was bad at everything, so I hated it, I didn’t put in much effort, except my sophomore year of high school when I decided I wanted to go to UC San Diego and somehow managed a 4.0. But eventually my school adrenaline ran out and I was back to thinking eh! School’s not for me. My senior year I dropped my two hardest classes and put just enough effort in to graduate. Then I went to a little bit of community college and again dropped my hardest classes then decided I’ll just do basketball and art. I’ve actually had a fun exiting last five years getting to travel and see the world living on a hospital ship, making many life long friends who I am absolutely in love with and adore , then joining this incredible ministry that I’m in now, in which I feel a bond with a family of people who have touched my life in such a way that I feel that even if I leave for a time my heart will still be here.
In the last few years various friends have helped me to realize that skill is not a you either have it or you don’t kind of thing, it takes effort to obtain skill, and I have been having desires to learn many things like painting and musical instruments and dance, but never have I realized how much I love to write until recently. And all of a sudden I have had a strong desire to go back to school, to take advantage of what I had and never realized I would have loved so much. College has been strongly on my mind, and the more I think about it the more excited I get.
These are my school ponderings, not even detracting from my carpe diem for Christ realization. On that subject, I have been so enjoying cooking in the kitchen here. The other day I was making biscuits and as I was stirring the dough my arm started to burn. (you know my guns, don’t worry, I had the safety on) and I got so happy cause it felt so little house on the prairie-ish. I’ve always had a thing for wanting to learn how to do everything from scratch, like churning my own butter. I haven’t actually learned that yet but I have learned how to make yogurt, and that excites me to no end. So I feel know that my flow of thoughts are kind of getting out of control and what I actually need to do is go to bed. Love ya’ll.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Carpe diem for christ

I've found out my problem lately. I like to invision all the awesome and exciting ways in which to serve God... in the future. It's way too easy to daydream because there's no effort involved, but when it comes down to it I'm scared to live life now. Either that or I don't know how to. I was once in the Sierra Leonian village living life with the locals, They would come to our porch almost everynight, bring there drums and we would sing with them. We would make pocorn, the most delicious popcorn, fill bowls made out of gourds with it, and share it with them to there delight, (they loooved it) and they would share with us to our delight, there delicious meals (still my favorite food I've ever eaten to this day). And yet I didn't truly know how to seize the day for Christ. I was looking forward to the street kids in europe. Now I long to be back with the villagers, in one of the most breathtakeing areas of Gods creation I have ever seen. Now I have the ideas that I could have done there, like working along side them as they (the woman) teach me how to cook there amazing food. But no I was too busy dreaming up ideas for what I could be doing back at home with street kids here. I was once near an orphanage that I visited every other week, (too my defense in my own confession, I would have gone more but didn't really know how to take initiative to go on my own or find people to go with me. Wait screw that defence, I should have gone more) yet the whole while daydreaming about all the kids I want to adopt one day.
Lately I've felt dead, in a sense. I have had no care anymore or desire for anything but maybe to live in my own little house were I can own my own tea set and spice containers. I have felt excitement for really nothing. Hence my post about losing my personality. Yet in the last few days God in his gracious mercy, has been showing me these weakness's of mine and a realization to seize the day for christ. I've decided to drop all my dreams (not forever, Gods still working out the kinks) of adopting tons of children, getting married, having a family, or any other idea that takes away from right now, until I can learn to live for God today, selflessly love the people around me, and be faithful in the little things.
I thank God for this realization, had I not had it one day I would be looking back with longing for the day when I lived in community, with amazing loveing bro's and sis's in christ, in another one of Gods breathtakeing areas of creation. With a beautiful message of Mercy justice and love to bring to a people who would thirst for that knowledge. And Give there lives to such a God.