Saturday, August 26, 2006

Over the last few days God has been oiling the machinery of my brain to finally learn what I've been needing to learn. The one thing that I need to make most important is to love God. Simple concept yes, but to a whole new depth I had yet to comprehend. It may be one of the outermost layers of this realization onion yet so encouraging that there are so many more to discover. Lately I have been so consumed with the uncertanty of what my next step in life should be. Should I stay or go, do this or that, so many ideas that all seem to simoultanously make sense and not make sense at all. Along with the condemnation that I don't make the best of lifes circumstances. I had what felt like the longest lonliest winter, but looking back I realise that I could have really used that time to deepen my relationship and knowledge of God. My thoughts are so bombarded with should haves, could haves, what to do's and what not to do's that there's no room to simply just be in awe of God. Now I feel an excitment and calm that only work hand in hand, knowing that I don't need to strive to make anything happen for God. I don't need to worry about what I should be doing for God. All I need to do, is love God, know God, fear God more than anything else, and in the mean time he will put me on the right path, not becuase he needs me, but becuase I need him.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

WARNING: This blog might be a little random since it's 2:00 in the morning and I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP. Maybe it was that moca thingy I drank, or watching too many Gilmore girl episodes, or that my day was so productfull,(even during Gilmore girls cause I organized my room ... some) and I don't want it to end. Thousandths and thousandths of thoughts, busy busy mind, I just lay in my dark room with those thoughts taunting me, so I realised hey why don't I blog. Some of my thoughts still being about if I should go to college, I've pretty much made up my mind that I am going to, so now I just wish God would pick up his big spiritual cell phone and call me to say big and boomingly, RENEE YOU SHOULD GO TO COLLEGE... SPECIFICALLY THE ONE IN SACRAMENTO.... I ALREADY HAVE A PLACE PICKED OUT FOR YOU TO LIVE AND A JOB AND I AM GOING TO HAND IT TO YOU ALL ON A SILVER PLATER WHILE CHERUBIM FAN YOU AND FEED YOU GRAPES. But I know, I'm a big girl and God, I think, just wants me to make a decision. These thoughts all got me thinking about how much God has changed me in just the last few years. I used to be soooo insecure around adults. Well the seemingly mature adults. To such sharp degree that I would do one of two things, be painfully shy to the point of almost hiding behind invisible mommy legs. Or act really goofy. It's like I felt these people were looking past my tall shell, and at the little immature scared and unimportant girl that was cowering beneith. (untrue I know but for some reason how I saw and can still tend to see myself). God, amazing and Gallant as he is, saw it as his duty to rescue that little girl, and has been actively my night in shining armour ever since. Not to mention that he has put soo many amazing loving and incouraging people in life, and I really want all my friends to know how much I appreciate them, ummm.... I appreciate ya.
So now here I am, realizing that college is a big decision, if I really do it I've got to be sure, I'm going to have a lot of classes that excercise my flabby brain. I'm already fealing anxiety of fear that I've made the wrong decision, and home sickness for the land, ... and I haven't even left yet. I need to stop worrying about what-ifs and making wrong decisions. One thing I really think that I want to do is go to an orphanage in Sierra Leonne for a month before school, So any prayer about that would help. Well, I'm afraid that if I write much longer my crazy 3:00 in the morning brain will start shutting down and the craziest of nonsenses will start fumbling out onto the keyboard, either that or I'll nod off and my head will hit the keyboard and b nhjyu bv jrklajgalg zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

just kidding!!
Good night, I hope