Thursday, August 03, 2006

WARNING: This blog might be a little random since it's 2:00 in the morning and I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP. Maybe it was that moca thingy I drank, or watching too many Gilmore girl episodes, or that my day was so productfull,(even during Gilmore girls cause I organized my room ... some) and I don't want it to end. Thousandths and thousandths of thoughts, busy busy mind, I just lay in my dark room with those thoughts taunting me, so I realised hey why don't I blog. Some of my thoughts still being about if I should go to college, I've pretty much made up my mind that I am going to, so now I just wish God would pick up his big spiritual cell phone and call me to say big and boomingly, RENEE YOU SHOULD GO TO COLLEGE... SPECIFICALLY THE ONE IN SACRAMENTO.... I ALREADY HAVE A PLACE PICKED OUT FOR YOU TO LIVE AND A JOB AND I AM GOING TO HAND IT TO YOU ALL ON A SILVER PLATER WHILE CHERUBIM FAN YOU AND FEED YOU GRAPES. But I know, I'm a big girl and God, I think, just wants me to make a decision. These thoughts all got me thinking about how much God has changed me in just the last few years. I used to be soooo insecure around adults. Well the seemingly mature adults. To such sharp degree that I would do one of two things, be painfully shy to the point of almost hiding behind invisible mommy legs. Or act really goofy. It's like I felt these people were looking past my tall shell, and at the little immature scared and unimportant girl that was cowering beneith. (untrue I know but for some reason how I saw and can still tend to see myself). God, amazing and Gallant as he is, saw it as his duty to rescue that little girl, and has been actively my night in shining armour ever since. Not to mention that he has put soo many amazing loving and incouraging people in life, and I really want all my friends to know how much I appreciate them, ummm.... I appreciate ya.
So now here I am, realizing that college is a big decision, if I really do it I've got to be sure, I'm going to have a lot of classes that excercise my flabby brain. I'm already fealing anxiety of fear that I've made the wrong decision, and home sickness for the land, ... and I haven't even left yet. I need to stop worrying about what-ifs and making wrong decisions. One thing I really think that I want to do is go to an orphanage in Sierra Leonne for a month before school, So any prayer about that would help. Well, I'm afraid that if I write much longer my crazy 3:00 in the morning brain will start shutting down and the craziest of nonsenses will start fumbling out onto the keyboard, either that or I'll nod off and my head will hit the keyboard and b nhjyu bv jrklajgalg zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

just kidding!!
Good night, I hope


Blogger 1weirdgirl said...

well, sure sounds like you're growing a lot to me... not that i'm much farther allong or anything... but i know what it's like to feel like i HAVE to HEAR from God, or at least really wanting to, and for Him to be very specific, and then realizing that there is something to maturity in that we learn to make decisions on our own, while still using discernment and wisdom and seeking God's counsel and not just jumping head first into water we have no idea the depths of...
i feel like it was a big one for me to be left hanging like that, like it really is my decision? but what if i choose wrong?...
but i think it's honoring God to do both... seek Him fervently, AND step out in faith, not just do something cuz we were told to... He wants us to learn the discipline of weighing and testing all things, to not just be mindless servants.. at least that's what i feel God shows me a lot...
i love you Renee... He is changing and ggrowing you and loves you and sees more in you than you will ever see in yourself, and it's so sooo beautiful! you are beautiful!!!
bless you

10:33 AM  
Blogger devon said...

Yes! Sac town here she comes! I hope...

9:20 PM  
Blogger Amy said...

Reneenee, You continue to be an inspiration to me. I still find the inside of your head, or at least what gets out of it, comfortingly familiar. I miss sitting and exploring our deep thoughts, but it's good to see these bits. Just know I'm floating around out here, stopping by every once in a while to relate and to be inspired.

lv, a

7:06 PM  

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