WonderWoman

New blog

2008-09-20T11:05:00.000-07:00

I have A new blog it is Here

Not an ant lover

2008-09-18T07:45:00.000-07:00

Why do the ants trust me that they would lay tons of larvae all over the books strewn on my end-table. Don't they know that I would freak out at the sight of them and think that they were maggots, and almost cry in disgust when my finger squishes a few unknowingly as I reach for a book. Do they really think that I wouldn't dispose of them in an instant without even a little bit of guilt, because I am not there friend and I am not generous with my space when it comes to rodents or insects. Well hopefully they have gotten the point now that there new little hive has been foiled and I showed no mercy even as they frantically grabbed the huge larvae twice there size and scurried for there lives. Be afraid little ants be very afraid.

Watching the milk

2008-09-17T07:20:00.000-07:00

I am sitting on the kitchen counter watching the milk to make sure that it doesn't boil over onto the counter like it does just about every night that I make yogurt. My brain so quickly forgets its simple task at hand even when I stand over the milk to make sure it doesn't boil over I still find myself wandering into my room plopping myself onto my bed and picking my book up, till I suddenly remember that I was just in the kitchen watching the milk, so I get up to go back into the kitchen and then find myself walking over to my computer to journal about the days events, maybe even talk about how I always forget to watch the milk as I remember oh yah I am supposed to be watching the milk, then I decide to take my computer into the kitchen and type about how I forget to watch the milk so that I keep my mind on watching the milk. The milk just started boiling time to turn it off.

Awkward!

2008-09-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

I went to the guest house down the road to have a glass of port with C (another friend who just arrived). When we sat down at a table to order, my chair was quite uncomfortable, along with all of the other available chairs except one which a guy was using as a foot rest. I went up to the guy and asked him if I could exchange my chair for the chair his foot was resting on, as I was asking him I noticed that he had crutches, so the words that escaped my mouth before I had time to think, and before I realized his legs were crippled, were
"ohh, your foot is hurt" in a tone that really says, Ohh poor thing, bless your heart. He answered by saying "yah, take it but you will probably brake it, I don't know if it will support your weight."
I take the chair too shocked to be embarrassed (just yet), and a little amused at his quick (not very nice) wit.
After a few moments, and wanting to make sure all was right between us I asked
"Do you think I am really fat, that I would crush the chair (trying to sound humorously hurt) see I haven't broken it yet."
"I'll give it about half an hour"
"So you think I am such a big person I will really brake ..."
"you have already said that" he answered cutting me off.
Then I gave a little awkward laugh, not sure If he was really joking after all. As if reading my thoughts he said,
"I am just joking with you, you know, right."
"Oh yah, I am just joking too." I answered not knowing what just happened.

Bush cat in the well

2008-09-11T04:20:00.000-07:00

On the topic of the animals here in Goa. we have an animal that I only know by the name of bush-cat currently climbing up the inside of our well. It fell in while climbing through the chicu trees. Rachel and Jaya were looking in the well and saying ahh poor little cat, then at the same time of realizing that it wasn't a cat they gasped eww is it a rat! A huge rat in our well water!!!! they took a closer look and could not figure out what is was. Some kind of cat looking creature with a long nose, more like a possum. I've seen one in Sierra Leone, in fact I held it in my lap. I was too scared to move or pet it much though, because although it was a pet it wasn't quite tame, and it hissed a lot.
So now the poor bush-cat possum thing that has been curled up, hurt and hungry is trying with all it's might to climb up the side of the well. The poor little fury creature reminds me of Westly in the princess bride, held tightly to the cliffs of insanity, with our makeshift rope of sheets tied together and lowered to him hoping he grabs hold and climbs out to freedom...

He has made it out! During the night sometime the little nocturnal creature made it. Just in time too because with all of the rains lately, the little ledge that he had been curled up on just above the water is now completely covered. He would have drowned without a place to rest and gather strength if he hadn't made it out last night.

Cheeky Monkeys and even cheekier elephants

2008-09-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

I missed out on the monkey coming into our house today. He was sitting on the kitchen floor, Jaya had to shoo him out. I would have loved to have been there. To see the monkeys cheeky expression as it was chased away, Peepbo going crazy outside barking at the rest of the gang swinging through the trees, unaware of the actual intruder. I love these monkeys that come to steal our chicu fruits, with there grey poofy hair and black faces. I love them even though we have to yell at them and chase them away, because they come in gangs and the weight of there swinging bodies onto our roofs breaks the clay shingles. When I was trying to catch a peek of one it caught my eye and stared curiously and unalarmed.
Today at the beach I met a dutch guy. I asked him about the beach down yonder (of course I didn't say yonder) where all the rocks were. He told me that there was a lot of wild life, monkeys, wild boars, birds with long beaks and wings that spread this wide (spreading his arms out), and tigers. "What! tigers!" I asked, "is it very scary?" (I assumed he would say no and assure me that the tigers are too far away, or stay away from people) "Yes" he said "very scary, but it's not the tigers you have to worry about, it's the panthers." "The panthers!" I ask in mock horror (thinking that he's having me on now). "Yes," he assures, "and you also have to be careful of the elephants, they take there trunks and rope them around people and bash them on the ground, then trample them. For the next ten days they cry (he says pointing to his eyes and drawing his finger down to his cheeks) because they don't like to do it." " Really," I ask," they cry! " "Ya, they do, they don't like to hurt people. They do it to protect themselves." "Oh, Hmmm" I pondered, a little confused as to whether he was joking (which I don't thing that he was). I guess to be safe I will have to watch out for those people bashing elephants.

Chai

2008-09-05T21:52:00.000-07:00

I am in love with spiced chai. Everyday in the morning and at three o,clock I have my chai. It's my daily comfort, it's yummy and warm and sweet and spicy. It's also easy to make. You put half milk and half water in a sauce pan with 2 cloves, a cinnamon stick, a cardomon pod, a black peppercorn some ginger and 2 1/2 teaspoons sugar, bring to a boil then add about a Tablespoon of black tea, simmer for about 3-5 minutes, then run through a seive into your cup. Then find a relaxing place and savour every sip.

Ocean

2008-09-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

What is it about the ocean that causes one to dream dreams. To hope, surrender and long. The vastness of blue ocean under blue sky. Foamy white waves crashing or gently lapping against the sand. The sea smell and sea sounds. Shells that never cease to be treasures. It is a healing place for me. Care and anxiety calms in my mind with the oceans music.
We are moving out of this house in about a month and have found a house within a few minutes walk to the ocean. There I can walk off the porch onto sand, feeling the breeze and hearing the waves.

One spoon of Sugar

2008-08-16T01:35:00.000-07:00

Living in Goa has great perks. Being able to just up and rent a scooter for one, no paper work or insurance. The beautiful fields of green leaves draping over tropical hills, warmth and plenty of time to read and dream. I found a little cafe today that is also a book store, and holds a book club as well. This month the book being read is The Diving Bell and the butterfly. I bought a cup of chai while I was there and a lady working there kept remarking on how I use the same amount of sugar as her. "one spoon, oh me too, I also take one spoon. How is your chai, was that the right amount of sugar, that is also the amount that I like, are you finished, did you like your chai, it was sweet enough, it is the way I like it too." I didn't want to tell her that it was a bit to sweet for me.
I am feeling very excited and hopeful for what is to come. My goal is to teach west african dance, I am feeling more confident about it. Chinua knows a lot of rhythms to play on his djembe and he thinks that it will be easy to put together a makeshift dun dun (the drum that holds the base of the rhythm). I feel as though I have a chance to be me more than I ever have had in a way. In other words, I like it here.

Another venture into town

2008-08-13T01:57:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the monsoon calmed down a bit, like God drawing the rainy curtains aside to peer through and smile on us, I was so eager to get out and about that I was willing to venture in to Mapusa again. I needed to do somethings in town and Chinua knows were everything is so I was going to follow him. Let me just say, of all the days to go into the city, the one clear day after many rainy days is the craziest. the roads were so crowded, with little motorcycles and scooters edging through and weaving into any open place on the road, pedestrians, bicycles, big dirty work trucks, buses, men (old and young) grasping with all there might onto huge bundles of produce wile crossing the street. And then timid me. Chinua was even shocked at how busy it was. So we stopped at the coffee shop, and hung out for a while. After that it was pretty exciting, I really started to get the hang of driving around in the busy chaos of the city. Then we decided to go to Panjin, another city 20 minutes away. We went back home to get helmets because that is the law here, you must take helmets on the freeway. I found the freeway to be much more scary than Mapusa, it wasn't crowded at all but we went at a greater speed, and I found there was to much time to think, my thinking going toward falling off the scooter and how much it would hurt and praying for it to never ever happen, while the winds blowing against my side made my scooter want to swerve.
After running our last errands in Panjin we came back through the freeway with one last errend in Mapusa on the way home. Then as we were getting our scooters turned around from there parked spots at the last store a guy near by remarked "the cops are watching you guys" (cops will sometimes pull westerners over hoping for bribes) so Chinua swiftly took off (he saw the cops start to drive in our direction, I however was oblivious) going the opposite way of the cops, and I, startled, took off after him and followed through his little sneaky short cuts, till he finally slowed down and said, "I can't believe we ditched those cops." I was glad that I didn't know we were trying to ditched then when we sped off.

"it's only the dust taking out"

2008-08-10T20:48:00.000-07:00

It has been a true monsoon last couple of days, rain rain, non stop, (well little stops here and there, but that doesn't sound as dramatic). I've even been sleeping with a little bowl on my bed where big water drops fall heavy from the ceiling with a loud splat. My favorite rain is the strong one that brings cool breezes roaming throughout the house. The other day me and Jaya (our maid) put on masks that she makes from scratch, she explained the mask as "it's only the dust taking out". It's was a funny site, the dog was prancing up and down yipping at our scary faces. Then I started taking pictures of her and myself on my computer. She really got a kick out of the pictures that distort your face.
In case you would like to make this mask at home
these are the ingredients,

garbanzo bean flour
turmeric
lemon
cream or milk
rose water
I don't know the proportions
you leave it on for 10-15minutes

new driver

2008-08-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

I've rented a scooter, a little bit of automotive material to whip me along wherever I need to go. It took me a while to finally decide to get one. I've been so freaked out about the idea of myself being a driver on these Goan roads. Squeezing past oncoming buses on tiny potholed streets. The first day that I got it I started down the road going about 2 miles an hour, my feet hitting the road in a kind of swinging step to keep me from falling over as I was giggling and screaming. Locals were staring at me in amusement and kids giggling back as I hollered my explanation that this was my first time, I've never ridden one before. I finally braved it and took off, and I've been zipping around ever since. Yesterday I decided to be brave and go threw Mapusa (the closest city) to a little coffee shop(yes there is a coffee shop and it's quite nice). Getting there wasn't much of a problem, however I did get lost coming back. I thought that I was entering a one way, so I quickly veered left (we drive on the left side of the street here), then I veered left again completely going the wrong way and found myself on a freeway. My heart jumped into my throat and my stomach took my hearts place, while I frantically found a place to pull over. I sat there for a moment and caught my breath then asked someone for directions. That Someone was nice enough to have me follow him to show me were to go, but was trying to have a conversation the whole way, while I was concentrating on not veering into his motorcycle that was two feet from my wheels. Even as I write about it I feel like I need to take a moment to catch my breath. I am not quite the thrill seeking type and tend to burrow into safety like a tick so I think this scooter will be good for me.

Ella and India

2008-07-24T22:16:00.000-07:00

Ella Fitzgerald is the best choice for a surreal rainy, and humid Indian morning. I have made it. No trash heaps yet. It's quite lush here. My backyard is the jungle. The kind with vines, strait from the jungle book. I went into town yesterday and it makes me think of an Italian town with a monsoon jungle crowding around all the aging stores. An Italian India. The house we are house sitting has a dog that is in love with me already. He's good at giving loving puppy dog eyes that just scream pet me please I am your new best friend. We also have a maid, that kind of came with the house as well. She's very sweet and wears beautiful, colorful indian clothes. I am still a little dazed, and I am sure each day will come with an assortment of emotions, but I have made it, and so now I am going to listen to Ella.

A misty land

2008-06-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

I want to live in a land that is misty, such places hold no past or future, just the present moment confined within the misty borders, and the hope which transends time. I would walk around carefree with dew drops moistening my skin, the distant fog a comfort, threatening and keeping out the regrets that darken it's translucency. I would not be overly pleased with myself when I do good, as that might cause too much disappointment when I fail to meet that same standard. I will just be, and I will have joy because my love will come not from myself or my actions, but from the One with the endless supply.

Nervous about India

2008-06-16T11:06:00.000-07:00

The times that I feel breath, I didn't realize I had been holding inside, finally set free, are the times that I realize, I am not responsible to anyone but God. My moving to India is not childish or selfish, not even wasteful. I am not putting life on hold, quite the opposite.
I am very nervous though. My stomach a little wrenched. Worry floods in about getting everything done in time. What if I get sick while I am there, what about malaria, what If I get there and am miserable. But isn't the baby bird nervous, when it's mother pushes it out of the nest, teaching it to soar.
For me soaring is experiencing the beauty of people all over the world, who bear an image of God that I will never experience within my own culture alone, so many stories and mysteries wrapped up in different packages, worth far more than big screen televisions, fancy furniture, "retirement packages", or nice cars.
I am nervous about India, it will be hot, there will be cockroaches, trash heaps staring me in the face, hungry children, dirtiness, poverty,but really isn't that everywhere, if not in plane sight then in another form. In attitudes, consumerism, fear of one another, everywhere in the world there is the filth and then there is treasure... Gods beauty...
I am indeed feeling nervous about India, and I can't just change how I feel, But I can remind myself, that the baby bird is nervous, right before it soars.

Cool things that you learn while visiting your grandma in Tennesse..

2008-05-14T21:09:00.000-07:00

Your Grandmas first cousin was Jennifer Beals best friend in the movie flashdance, and your Grandma went to high school with Richie Valens (of course she may not have known him, it was a big school).

Mark Twain, on India

2008-04-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

... the land of dreams and romance, of fabulous wealth, and fabulous poverty, of splendor and rags, of palaces and hovels, of famine and pestilence, of genii and giants and aladdin lamps, of tigers and elephants, the cobra and the jungle, the country of a hundred nations and a hundred tongues, of a thousand religions and two million gods, cradle of the human race, birthplace of human speech, mother of history grandmother of legend, great-grandmother of tradition, whose yesterdays bear date with the mouldering antiquities of the rest of the nations- the sole country under the sun that is endowed with imperishable interest for alien prince and alien peasant, for lettered and ignorant, wise and fool, rich and poor, bond and free, the one land all men desire to see, and having seen once, by even a glimpse, would not give that glimpse for the shows of all the rest if the globe combined.

Mark Twain

A post for a Latte

2008-04-06T07:41:00.000-07:00

I'm at my friends house Mark and TJ, and babblin' on as I do, about my need to write a new post and how difficult it is when its been so long. I need the perfect conditions, "I'll spend a lot of time at a coffee shop when I am visiting my friend in town that's what I'll do, It will be the first time since being back from Guinea that I will be alone with my thoughts in a coffee shop with my own lap top." " Just write a post now" my friend Mark says, "Nooooo, That's not what I neeeeed, I need special condiiiiiitions," says I.
Well, what if I make you a latte?" .... "OK." I agree.
I am back from Guinea, more on that later, maybe I will even figure out how to put some video footage on a post.
Since I've been back, I've spent 3 weeks in Portland, then a couple home and now a week at my friends Mark and TJ. I am on a road trip. Visiting friends and family before I move to India. TJ and Mark and there son Eric the bold are a hoot. The most hospitable family you will meet. Pretty fun as well, they've been humoring me with my obsession with card-games. Not to mention they're just plain silly with me.

Here's some proof

And here's some proof of there endless hospitality

This is a family that I like to call "The Best of the Best"

I've moved

2007-11-23T14:34:00.000-08:00

I've moved from our little community, gone from the beautiful redwoods, my home for three years, now just a memory. I am in transition, now at my moms house for about a month before my Guinea dance trip. This month has the potential to be very productive. I live close to town, and with no car I feel even more mobile, my two legs are all I need to get where I need to go. There is a little coffee shop in town, I plan on coming in daily, to sit and journal read and study susu, which is the language they speak in a lot of Guinea. I am excited for this free in between month.

Home again

2007-11-18T16:01:00.000-08:00

My amtrak adventures are over for the moment. I was really enjoying long hours of train riding to do whatever I wanted. Read, study Farsi, and mostly watch a west african dance Dvd over and over again. I've had a lot of time to think, and become excited for my Guinea trip. I am really doing it, I've bought my ticket and payed for the school. It's like a dream come true, my teacher thinks that at the end of this trip I will be ready to teach, possibly in India.
While I was in southern California I visited with family, most of whom I've just met or barely know, and of that family there is amazing artistic talent, Jazz musicians, an opera singer, screenplay writer and an aspiring actor. I was so encouraged by them, and left inspired that this desire of mine is valid and worth the effort.

Crazy's at the train station

2007-11-09T17:03:00.000-08:00

Just a quick little update on my travels. I've been staying with good friends in Washington and Oregon, and am now sitting in a train station waiting for my next adventure down to southern California to visit some family. When my friends dropped me off at the train station I got out of the car and did a little dance move that's been stuck in my head. Unfortunately the move looked like a wave to the wrong person who was watching me from the second story window of a bar across the street. When I made eye contact I quickly turned around embarrassed and snuggled safely close to my friends. Then as we were getting my things out of the car, I see the guy coming towards us staring at me with a big creepy smile. He starts rambling incoherently to us, obviously drunk and a little crazy so we just kind of ignore him and come into the station, and peacefully say our goodbyes there. When I bought my ticket I told the the amtrak worker that there is a weird man outside just to let him know. Then he, obviously in a silly mood said, oh no the weird guy is right here and pointed to his co-worker. Then they asked me questions about the man who was bugging me and assured me that there are quite a few crazys around here. Then silly amtrak man said, "yah there used to be a crazy guy who was always hanging out around here pulling his pants down, but then we hired him, and here he is (pointing to his co-worker again). I looked over at his co-worker and he was nodding with an agreeable comical smile.

Impulsive

2007-11-04T23:23:00.000-08:00

Impulsive impulsive impulsive I am. I caught a ride with Rachel and had her drop me off in Washington without a car, although I am in the mist of trying to get my insane medical bills dealt with, packing up my life, and trying to buy a ticket to Guinea for January because within the last week I have decided to do a West African dance trip. My mind is like a thousand wild birds held together in a pin flying around, bashing into each other, some breaking free and flying into the cloudy sky never to return.

Rockstar Renee

2007-10-22T17:04:00.000-07:00

I was just sorting through old pictures and found this one which was from my first days on the ship. Looking at it brought a rush of feelings of newness, the exciting and scary beginnings of being surrounded by a whole community of people from all around the world who didn't know a thing about me, or I them.
Who was I going to befriend, who would be my tight knit group of home away from home family. My roommates faces were comfortably familiar at that point but I had no idea to what extent I would get to know them, and how comfortable I would soon become with them, like sisters. Pictures like these give me so much excitement for the years to come, just thinking of how much I've changed, how much less insecure, all the close friends I've met and exciting experiences I've had. I can't even imagine in ten years time what my thoughts will be when looking at a picture from now, it's really so interesting thinking about it.

I love him!

2007-10-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

Part of my love for christ is stemmed from his passions. I love that he cares so much for widows and orphans. I love that justice and mercy is talked about so much and so passionately in the bible. That in Isaiah it is said that true fasting is to loose the chains of injustice, set the oppressed free, share your food with the hungry and provide the poor wanderer with shelter, clothing the naked and not turning away from your family, and in James it says religion that God our father accepts as pure and faultless is to look after orphans and widows in their distress. I can't say enough about how beautiful this makes Jesus to me. I love him.

learning to slow down

2007-10-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

Life is an extravagant drink rich in taste, that I all too often gulp down forgetting to savour the flavor. I look back at the past few years of my life and they whip by like a tree viewed from inside a speeding car. I've felt a little sick lately about this. How will I learn to stop gulping down years. As I look out my bedroom window right now I see beautiful trees with sun rays filtering through the stained glass leaves. How do I sip that. I won't have this view much longer. Why don't I even know what those trees are called? I've lived here for almost 3 years and I don't know what the trees outside my window are called. I just don't seem to know how to make my home really home, I always have this feeling of temporary living. I do have a few bits of treasured memory to pack and take with me, hanging my laundry to dry in the sunshine, with the cool breeze blowing my apron to one side, redwood expanse all around me. I am also very people oriented so little pieces of my heart belong to so many people, the years have quickly passed by but my love for all the friends I've made have not. And I have learned so many things in my few years living in this community. I didn't even know that I love to write until I lived here. I didn't know how passionate I could become for west african dance. I didn't know how to knit, I didn't know how to cook, I was a lot more disorganized and I didn't know the beauty of goals. My next goal will be to learn how to slow my life down, stop floating above my days but live inside of them.

autumn: a poem

2007-10-11T17:00:00.000-07:00

Orange is everywhere, yellow washed streaky, worn thin orange. A reflection of sunset, everywhere I go. I look up thinking of this beautiful color and ... yah there it is, in clothing, paintings and coffee shop walls. What better way to start off autumn, this breezy cool, petting zoo, pumpkin patch weather. Leaves ever gently floating. Fiery red, purple, yellow, floating and laying wet cold on the thirst quenched ground. Sipping tea in favorite cozy knitted sweaters that hug softer than a grandma, warm as the color orange.

Inspired

2007-10-08T22:29:00.000-07:00

Today I am feeling inspired by beauty and creativity. I have been looking through blogs and have this overwhelming urge to give a stand up applaud to everyone who does what they love and lives there dream. I don't just mean the photographer who travels the world but also the mother who fits time in when she can, to work on her novel, like my friend Rae. Tonight we wet to our west African dance class and she brought all three of her children. She practised in the corner of the room as much as possible while also keeping full attention on her kids. Bravo Rae I love ya.

Curry

2007-10-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

About 2 years ago I became the cook in my community. I didn't even know how to cook at that point, not really. I have always had a desire to learn though, especially cooking from scratch. Now I do everything, from legumes to soba noodles. Grocery shopping is the best because I always feel so proud when going through the check stand. It's basically tons of fresh produce, bulk goods like beans rice and flour and other various yummy healthy stuff. So anyway, all that to say the other night I did an eggplant curry, and I made my first curry powder from scratch

These are the spices being toasted(looking like bird food)

and then ground

Life values

2007-09-27T14:12:00.000-07:00

We haven't had any internet access at the land, and I am embarrasses to admit, it's all my fault. I downloaded the whole entire first season of friends a few weeks ago not knowing how that will spike our satellite blood pressure, like sugar to a hypoglycemic. I however have had lots of time to just think and think and I love that. The funny thing is that, really I have an overabundance of time to think and think but it's not till I'm around people and activity that I actually do think and ponder life. I am an extrovert and so I am refreshed by people, people make me feel alive, I need people. We have had a lot of guest coming through the land lately, there always seems to be people hanging out in the big house (our communal area) playing music, talking, conversations. So with my thinking lately has come some thoughts on my life's values. I've decided to make some values for my life, they are "what comes in and what goes out". Meaning, I'm going to start being very aware of what comes in, healthy nourishing food, beauty and art in what I read and watch, nothing that doesn't edify my spiritual walk, and what goes out, what I speak, encouraging loving words nothing that would hurt another, nothing spoken in fear or insecurity. This will be difficult but it's a goal, it's also pretty boiled down. I don't mean I won't be silly or crack jokes, or have simple conversations for the sake of conversation, I just want a guide line for my life to keep it simple wholesome and real.

My community

2007-09-19T21:32:00.000-07:00

I love my little community. We are a similar minded community, loving art, people Gods beautiful creation and travel. When I remember what a blessing it is to live such a lifestyle my heart takes a deep breath. When I walk into the garden to gather tomatoes for the night's dinner I am bathed in fresh air. When travelers stop to spend a few nights, new music is made, nights by the fire, flames licking the air, dancing, poi, faces across the fire flickering, smiling. Living community day by day, with sometimes just the few who live here, sometimes with our nomadic friends, we'll see them again in another place, there still in our family, this is our lifestyle.

And all the mamas say

2007-09-13T15:09:00.000-07:00

I finished the baby blanket that I've been knitting for my stepsisters new baby boy.

One woman's old thrift store shirt, is another woman's new thrift store shirt

2007-09-07T13:53:00.000-07:00

I was in a coffee shop yesterday visiting with two friends after a two week long period of holding down the fort, all by my lonesome. Because of my extrovertedness and therefore need of people to be rejuvenated back to myself , I was quite rejuvenated, and it showed through talkativeness and silly delirium. Everything was making me giggle. Especially when I posted a comment on someone's blog but didn't realize that my friend Mark had been on my computer and he was still logged into his own blog account, so when I posted the comment that said "your post gave me the giggles" my friends man head popped up next to the comment. And I was in hysterics to no end that my friend Mark told a lady that her post gave him the giggles. As this was happening I looked up and my hysterics quieted down as I caught sight of my old tank top. It was moving to the beat of some new lady, once a unique treasure that I had found in one of the most authentic thrift stores I know of, the kind that has racks but have long since been lost inside the mountainous piles of storage smelling clothing. It struck me as a very interesting phenomenon. How often does one see a person wearing there old things after giving them to thrifts. This lady 10 feet from me had no idea that she was wearing the shirt that I wore for eight years. What was once a treasure to me really had become a treasure to someone else.

laughing out loud

2007-09-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite things to do, is laugh out loud. Especially if I'm all by myself and reading a book, and especially especially if the book isn't specifically funny, and so I'm not expecting it. When my body responds with laughter before I've have time to register what I've just read. Although laughing out loud isn't as fun when you're standing in a grocery store line without company and you remember something funny then laugh out loud. That has happened to me quite a few times, and I always feel awkward, especially since I'm usually still thinking about what made me laugh so I can't wipe the goofy grin off my face.

Rantings of a bored girl

2007-09-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

Oh for the days when my social life looked more like the television show friends (without all the naughty talk) than it does well, a television show that looks like the opposite of friends(I don't watch a lot of telly). I remember a time when breakfast lunch and dinner I had a gang. We had inside jokes, we had "hey cards again tonight" and "so what are we doing this weekend". There was never a dull moment. Now though, I am last single woman standing. Please let me know of any of my kind out there. Of course I've really loved living around families, and have learned so much about motherhood before my time to join the 'hood, and now when I visit with other mommy's I have stories to tell as well. "Well my friend Rachel's kid did this, and my friend Candace's kid did that, and did I tell you about the time when little leafy did that really cute thing. I just feel like I'm hovering somewhere in between the exciting single life and heart warming family life without an anchor. I'm just free floating anchorless Renee who's been watching too many friends episodes because she downloaded the entire first season from i-tunes. Speaking of which I have B&J's in the freezer and a few more episodes to watch. So I guess I'm done ranting.

What is important to God: psalm 68

2007-08-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

A father to the Fatherless
A defender of widows
Sets the lonely in families
Leads forth the prisoners with singing
Our God is a God who saves (from a sovereign Lord comes escape from death)
He daily bears our burdens
Sing praise to God O kingdoms of the earth

PRAISE BE TO GOD!

Moving to India

2007-08-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

I love inhaling simple basic needs and exhaling clutter. Both mentally and physically. Now that I am planning to move to India it has been made all the more real to me. My mental basics- contemplating the goodness of God, and letting myself go in that. Rachel and Chinua have left for a couple of weeks and are letting me stay in there house. I feel washed clean of my stuff and able to access what is really important and what I really love. One thing that is important is to always have a book to read that I can chew over and keeps the mechanics of my brain oiled and functioning nicely. Although sometimes when I'm reading a good book that excites my brain with meaty morsels it (my brain) jumps around nervously and I start to get fidgety and wanting to look up random baby names that pop into my head or get up and walk to the fridge open it absentmindedly, then shut it not having really looked for anything and then read labels on surrounding objects. Then I sit down and pick the book back up. I think this means I need a lesson in rest, or to not drink so much caffeine.
Oh and yes India. The plans up till now have been to move there along with the Fords and the Robinsons. After my trip to Turkey a thirst was re-birthed in me for travel, living out of a back pack and being away from my home country. When I am away I feel as though I finally am, like I was invisible and little dots of color start bringing me out until Renee is there in full color and completely alive.
I am also a little nervous as to how my life will look after I move. India holds to key to be both, exciting, colorful and stimulating, and wrenchingly heartbreaking at the same time. I have heard of India as being the country of extreme opposites, and if any one is interested in praying for me my prayer would be to embrace both opposites glorifying God for the beauty around me while living his love in the darkness that surrounds it.

back from Turkey

2007-07-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

About a month and a half ago I flew off, into the future in a big white time machine breaking time zones like a flying bull. Into another life. an enchanting one. It filled some longing I have, a side of me that has been stagnant, staring off without thought. I don't really have the best imagination I've come to find out. I need experience, I need as much experience as possible for my mind to stay alive. Turkey was perfect for that. Istanbul was absolutely mystical. Grey misty warmth hovering about engulfing and moving me along the stone streets. Domed mosques, magical flying carpets everywhere. Of course they weren't flying, they must only do that when no ones watching. Being away from home I was home. Meeting new people and hanging out with them for hours, speaking my favorite language. The one every human being knows. The one you use when words are useless, cultures are different and the only common ground is humanity.

Turkey

2007-05-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

My feet have been itchy, waiting for some yet to be discovered land to heal them. My eyes are ready to go off auto pilate. Ready to take in new living pictures, colors, and textures. I'm going to Turkey. Turkey's breathing me in.

I leave on saturday

sponge brain

2007-04-03T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to blog for a while but my brain has and still does feel like a sponge soaked through with heavy whipping cream. So i am just going to blog anyway. I have been going through a lot of change lately as to how I see myself. I am not some ogre stomping around on beautiful wild flowers. I am a beautiful wild flower. I am learning that I can wear my nice clothes and they won't get ruined. That maybe I can build fires in my wood stove and I won't use up all our wood or speed up global warming. I can have joy without fearing what's around the corner. My life has been a lot of floating around in the abyss sightseeing foggy vagueness. I want my life to be kids flying kites , juicy pears, giggles and birds in flight. I want to wake up early because I know that the day is pregnant. I want the key to experiencing what the day gives birth to. I want to know how to explore and find hidden beauties. Fear is disintegrating into puddles around me and now I just need to learn how to step past the puddles without my socks getting wet.

Do what you love but do it for God

2007-03-11T13:41:00.000-07:00

Do what you love, but do it for God. By this rule I've determined to live my life. What are the things that I love so much? I love that my two legs can take me anywhere and that my only boss is God. I love that dancing is something that you do with your whole body and that no matter how cold it gets, there is always hope for warmths return. I love that people need each other and that no one is perfect. I love that one day I will be able to knit a sweater, and maybe tan a hide. I love that I am sitting on a bench warmed by the sun in the midst of neighborly people. I love that winter is over. Boy do I love that winter is over. I love that I don't feel quilty any more for disliking winter so much. I love that I have determined to age gracefully and that as I have been finding out people are alot less intimidating than I had earlier imagined. I love that love can not be taken away from me, and that hope can't be taken from love. I love that I am sitting on this bench with my whole life ahead of me, and that I have experienced enough winters to know that they always end leaving me that much more appreciative of life and more able to handle the ferocity of love.

A poem

2007-03-08T00:18:00.001-08:00

Dance, dance my body, my hands, my spirits, my attentions, dance until you can only dance more because you've forgotten yourself to the rhythm of time, of mens palms pounding, of Gods heartbeat.
Smile now, for joy has wounded you with hope.----- Laugh now, for your hearts been broken by beauty, mended with inspiration, inspiration guided by the pulse of God.

Thoughts on turning 26

2007-02-17T13:35:00.000-08:00

I was at the river today and it danced with my spirits, whispering life into my ears and erasing disappointment in myself. It must be why god created the eel river, just for this one morning, just for me. my writers mind is very un exercised and very week, still on it's mothers milk and that milk lacks vitamins, but all is not lost, 26 is not the end of things it is the begginning, the very beggining of my next quarter century. This next chapter is going to be different, harder but in a very comforting way, the comfort coming from the realization that I still have my arms and legs, weak yes, gone no. God is my drill instructor but he is not erasing my identity he is drawing it out. I am officially meeting myself for the first time the part of me that will be around for eternity, the part of me that God thought up and molded out of dust, the unique life that only I can bring. excited to meet everyone else in this same way. Now I understand how this makes God my father. Now I understand what spirit means... I think. I love icecream and the creamy texture that kept me going on the rocky peopleful Portugese beach. I sat on those rocks for 9 hours, journaling, painting, eating ice cream and people watching. I love being in the mist of strangers for hours, people you might never talk to and will never see again. I love when warmth enters my bones and I can not do much when it doesn't, that's when I just have to survive, that is all winter. But spring time and summer makes me dance, makes me dig my hands in the dirt and and wear straw brimmed hats. It makes me walk on trails that I forget about in the winter, and my shoes are tossed aside to hybernate. Summer is a gift from God to me. The sun on bared shoulders, I wish my nose still had freckles on it, as when I was a little girl, then I would feel like a true summer baby. I wish my nose was freckled and my skin milky and my hair cherry red. But now I am wishing I were someone else completely. I am tanned and tall, long brown hair, and a victorian nose or so some say. I am a gifted writer and a talented West African dancer or at least I am those things in my imagination. But summer is where imagination meets reality in the form of hope. My hope right now is in knowing summer will come again someday, it's proved itself true 26 times that I can count, it will meet me again.

Practical joke on mom

2007-02-06T11:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had a message from my mom and she was saying, Renee, Darwin is playing a joke on me he and a guy named Steve that owns some tire place say that you are dating him, I know there messing with me but just call me back and set my mind at rest. So I call her back and say,

Steve, he fixed my tires for me, yah we're dating.

That's not funny, Darwin called you didn't he, he told you what to say.

No he didn't I promise, me and Steve are dating,

Renee stop, this isn't funny

of course it's not funny, my love isn't a joke

Renee! So I suppose it doesn't matter to you that Steve is my age and gets drunk all the time

Well maybe I see something special in him, he has a good heart.

Renee! When did Darwin call you

He didn't I promise I haven't talked to Darwin

Renee! you're being mean, you're lying to me!

No I'm not, me and Steve are together

Ewww I'm so mad at you and Darwin right now

Why!

Renee! this isn't funny anymore! Just tell me the truth

I am!

Oh! so it doesn't matter that Steve has a girlfriend

Well he's not married

Renee! he said he took you on his boat, when have you had time to do that while you've been in town

I came to town when you didn't know, I didn't want anyone to know I was in town, cause I wanted to spend all my time with him

Renee, fine I'm gonna call Darwin and make him tell me the truth

ok

alright (long pause) ........ Renee! I know you're lying to me

Well you can believe whatever you want

I'm gonna call Darwin

go for it

alright (another long pause) ........ (the I'm gonna call Darwins and long pauses go on for a While)

Then finally she gets off the phone, leaving me quite amused and wondering who this Steve guy is anyway.

2007-01-27T17:19:00.000-08:00

I have become the proud parent of a brand new baby mac, as in apple, as in lap top. My little bundle of entertainment is for sure the coolest toy I have experienced, and I believe I have stepped into lap top club. Like when a parent takes there child to the playground and all the other parents smile and say things like, which one is yours, that's my little Johnny over there in the sandbox dumping sand on little Suzys head. I feel as though I can now smile knowingly to the other lap top mommys and daddys. OK so maybe it isn't like that at all, anyway I'm back in the blogging world.

2006-09-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a good last couple of weeks. I've felt a calm inside that I'm not sure I've ever really known. I'm not worried anymore what I am going to do, well I mean somewhat but not in the same way. I'm really living out seeing the grass as greener where I am. My head isn't in the clouds as much as it is right were it needs to be, here in my daily tasks. God has been so close and so obviously wanting me to learn from him, and it's been wonderful.

2006-08-26T15:42:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days God has been oiling the machinery of my brain to finally learn what I've been needing to learn. The one thing that I need to make most important is to love God. Simple concept yes, but to a whole new depth I had yet to comprehend. It may be one of the outermost layers of this realization onion yet so encouraging that there are so many more to discover. Lately I have been so consumed with the uncertanty of what my next step in life should be. Should I stay or go, do this or that, so many ideas that all seem to simoultanously make sense and not make sense at all. Along with the condemnation that I don't make the best of lifes circumstances. I had what felt like the longest lonliest winter, but looking back I realise that I could have really used that time to deepen my relationship and knowledge of God. My thoughts are so bombarded with should haves, could haves, what to do's and what not to do's that there's no room to simply just be in awe of God. Now I feel an excitment and calm that only work hand in hand, knowing that I don't need to strive to make anything happen for God. I don't need to worry about what I should be doing for God. All I need to do, is love God, know God, fear God more than anything else, and in the mean time he will put me on the right path, not becuase he needs me, but becuase I need him.

2006-08-03T02:06:00.000-07:00

WARNING: This blog might be a little random since it's 2:00 in the morning and I CAN'T FALL ASLEEP. Maybe it was that moca thingy I drank, or watching too many Gilmore girl episodes, or that my day was so productfull,(even during Gilmore girls cause I organized my room ... some) and I don't want it to end. Thousandths and thousandths of thoughts, busy busy mind, I just lay in my dark room with those thoughts taunting me, so I realised hey why don't I blog. Some of my thoughts still being about if I should go to college, I've pretty much made up my mind that I am going to, so now I just wish God would pick up his big spiritual cell phone and call me to say big and boomingly, RENEE YOU SHOULD GO TO COLLEGE... SPECIFICALLY THE ONE IN SACRAMENTO.... I ALREADY HAVE A PLACE PICKED OUT FOR YOU TO LIVE AND A JOB AND I AM GOING TO HAND IT TO YOU ALL ON A SILVER PLATER WHILE CHERUBIM FAN YOU AND FEED YOU GRAPES. But I know, I'm a big girl and God, I think, just wants me to make a decision. These thoughts all got me thinking about how much God has changed me in just the last few years. I used to be soooo insecure around adults. Well the seemingly mature adults. To such sharp degree that I would do one of two things, be painfully shy to the point of almost hiding behind invisible mommy legs. Or act really goofy. It's like I felt these people were looking past my tall shell, and at the little immature scared and unimportant girl that was cowering beneith. (untrue I know but for some reason how I saw and can still tend to see myself). God, amazing and Gallant as he is, saw it as his duty to rescue that little girl, and has been actively my night in shining armour ever since. Not to mention that he has put soo many amazing loving and incouraging people in life, and I really want all my friends to know how much I appreciate them, ummm.... I appreciate ya.
So now here I am, realizing that college is a big decision, if I really do it I've got to be sure, I'm going to have a lot of classes that excercise my flabby brain. I'm already fealing anxiety of fear that I've made the wrong decision, and home sickness for the land, ... and I haven't even left yet. I need to stop worrying about what-ifs and making wrong decisions. One thing I really think that I want to do is go to an orphanage in Sierra Leonne for a month before school, So any prayer about that would help. Well, I'm afraid that if I write much longer my crazy 3:00 in the morning brain will start shutting down and the craziest of nonsenses will start fumbling out onto the keyboard, either that or I'll nod off and my head will hit the keyboard and b nhjyu bv jrklajgalg zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

just kidding!!
Good night, I hope

2006-07-20T21:19:00.000-07:00

As I was on my way back from the rainbow gathering I knew I would have a hard time writing much about it, and now it feels like thousandths of years ago, with scattered memories of my time. So I'll write about the few things that have stuck in my memory. One being my favorite, was when I was shoveling the dirt, that had been dug out of the fire pit. I Can't really explain why it was my favorite, I just remember I had lots of energy and nothing to interupt my shoveling flow. The temperature was perfect, nice and warm with a cool breeze, and I felt like I could have kept shoveling for an eternity, I was practically in denial when I had nothing else to shovel. Does this sound silly, I can't help the fact that during my whole camping time this was my favorite experience. My other favorite memory was when I over heard someone say that they liked hangin out at our camp becuase they felt so comfortable there. It made the whole rainbow gathering worth it for me because really, for a while I was having a hard time seeing why it was important we were there. Probably cause I was having a hard time seeing my place there. Not to make the rainbow gathering seem like it wasn't great 'cause it was a wonderful time. I got to hang out with my fam here in the woods, and have great chats with cool people like Lindsey, and Brianna, and new friends like a girl named Jesse who was really sweet.
So movin' on to different subject
Today during morning prayer I was having the hardest time concentrating, all of a sudden I felt a panic that I needed to get into the world and do something (I think that this was partly brought on by Eddy calling the land the night before and saying World War 3 is happening and Armageddon stuff and what not, You know all that Israel bible prophecy stuff) I felt like my soul turned into thousands of thoughts and ideas building pressure inside my skin trying to break free. I was thinking should I go to school, I really want to but I want to be doing something as well, Maybe I can go to an orphanage somewhere in October, maybe in between school breaks I can go to orphanages. All of a sudden going to festivals or anything we do here felt useless, unless I go with something to be passionate about, and a life that shows my passion. I want to take care, in some way, of the people that most need love and comfort. So a prayer request would be, that God would show me where he wants me where I can most be used, and if college is something that I should stop condidering that God would really show me his heart. It's a hard prayer for me, I really want to go to College, but I just need to make sure first that it's God.
Thanks

2006-06-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

The winding down at the end of a day. A day full of uncertainty for some, new begginings for others and for me, just passing through. The air is calm and warm. I'm in Elena's new house. She's quietly finishing up her unpacking. The silence is relaxing, the house is Peacefull. I'm going to sleep well and enjoy my coffee in the morning.

College?

2006-06-15T22:44:00.000-07:00

I feel like I’ve just been handed a present, that I’ve opened and inside is a paper that sais all of your wildest dreams are about to come true. So what I’m talking about here is college. And if you’re still wondering I’ll explain more. In school I was always one to assume I was bad at everything, so I hated it, I didn’t put in much effort, except my sophomore year of high school when I decided I wanted to go to UC San Diego and somehow managed a 4.0. But eventually my school adrenaline ran out and I was back to thinking eh! School’s not for me. My senior year I dropped my two hardest classes and put just enough effort in to graduate. Then I went to a little bit of community college and again dropped my hardest classes then decided I’ll just do basketball and art. I’ve actually had a fun exiting last five years getting to travel and see the world living on a hospital ship, making many life long friends who I am absolutely in love with and adore , then joining this incredible ministry that I’m in now, in which I feel a bond with a family of people who have touched my life in such a way that I feel that even if I leave for a time my heart will still be here.
In the last few years various friends have helped me to realize that skill is not a you either have it or you don’t kind of thing, it takes effort to obtain skill, and I have been having desires to learn many things like painting and musical instruments and dance, but never have I realized how much I love to write until recently. And all of a sudden I have had a strong desire to go back to school, to take advantage of what I had and never realized I would have loved so much. College has been strongly on my mind, and the more I think about it the more excited I get.
These are my school ponderings, not even detracting from my carpe diem for Christ realization. On that subject, I have been so enjoying cooking in the kitchen here. The other day I was making biscuits and as I was stirring the dough my arm started to burn. (you know my guns, don’t worry, I had the safety on) and I got so happy cause it felt so little house on the prairie-ish. I’ve always had a thing for wanting to learn how to do everything from scratch, like churning my own butter. I haven’t actually learned that yet but I have learned how to make yogurt, and that excites me to no end. So I feel know that my flow of thoughts are kind of getting out of control and what I actually need to do is go to bed. Love ya’ll.

Carpe diem for christ

2006-06-04T18:06:00.001-07:00

I've found out my problem lately. I like to invision all the awesome and exciting ways in which to serve God... in the future. It's way too easy to daydream because there's no effort involved, but when it comes down to it I'm scared to live life now. Either that or I don't know how to. I was once in the Sierra Leonian village living life with the locals, They would come to our porch almost everynight, bring there drums and we would sing with them. We would make pocorn, the most delicious popcorn, fill bowls made out of gourds with it, and share it with them to there delight, (they loooved it) and they would share with us to our delight, there delicious meals (still my favorite food I've ever eaten to this day). And yet I didn't truly know how to seize the day for Christ. I was looking forward to the street kids in europe. Now I long to be back with the villagers, in one of the most breathtakeing areas of Gods creation I have ever seen. Now I have the ideas that I could have done there, like working along side them as they (the woman) teach me how to cook there amazing food. But no I was too busy dreaming up ideas for what I could be doing back at home with street kids here. I was once near an orphanage that I visited every other week, (too my defense in my own confession, I would have gone more but didn't really know how to take initiative to go on my own or find people to go with me. Wait screw that defence, I should have gone more) yet the whole while daydreaming about all the kids I want to adopt one day.
Lately I've felt dead, in a sense. I have had no care anymore or desire for anything but maybe to live in my own little house were I can own my own tea set and spice containers. I have felt excitement for really nothing. Hence my post about losing my personality. Yet in the last few days God in his gracious mercy, has been showing me these weakness's of mine and a realization to seize the day for christ. I've decided to drop all my dreams (not forever, Gods still working out the kinks) of adopting tons of children, getting married, having a family, or any other idea that takes away from right now, until I can learn to live for God today, selflessly love the people around me, and be faithful in the little things.
I thank God for this realization, had I not had it one day I would be looking back with longing for the day when I lived in community, with amazing loveing bro's and sis's in christ, in another one of Gods breathtakeing areas of creation. With a beautiful message of Mercy justice and love to bring to a people who would thirst for that knowledge. And Give there lives to such a God.

My brothers wedding

2006-05-26T21:20:00.000-07:00

I now belong to a mexican family in a sense, and another woman bears my last name. I've never realised how magical a siblings wedding could be until finally experiencing one. On May 18th I started my long drive down to southern California stopping at Saras house along the way, always looking for a good excuse to drive for hours on end and visit far away friends I seldom get to see. As I got to the great vine I knew that my poor little car (I like to call Big Bertha) was not the sweet young vibrant thing is used to be, so I kept to the right side of the road preparing mentally and physically for what do do if it overheated, and sure enough within the first couple of minutes the needle started to steadily climb to the big red bar. So I pulled off the road in a bit of dispair and waited for someone who knew what they were doings car to overheat. Not that it was lucky for the two sweet little old men but it was lucky for me that they fell into my same bad luck and they were able to help me out. I kept my fear that there engine was going to explode to myself when I watched them first turn there water nozzle, and fountains of hot yellowy water came violently shooting out. After helping me with my own car and showing me what to do if it were to happen again I thanked them, thanked them and thanked them again, then was on my way with that wonderful feeling of just a bit more life experience gained. I now know what to do in an overheating experience. Well kind of. Anyway hmm I love long rode trips. Especially down to southern Cali, With the music blaring and the window only halfway down so the wind can't ruffle my frizzy hair too much. Once finally making it to what should have been an hour to my brothers house I was stuck in bumper to bumper traffic for an hour and a half with still 30 miles to go. The whole time I kept my heater full blast becuase my car seamed like it kept wanting to overheat and I've heard it helps to have the heater on. So with no wind to keep me cool I sat, sweat gathering behind my knees rolling down my neck and drip drip dripping. I was running very late because the rehersal dinner was that night, so I tried calling my mom from a pay phone again which I had tried earlier but the stupid (and I say stupid very bitterly and with much passion) card wasn't working. Finally after talking to a very rude phone card operater I got it figured out and finally got through to my brother. All I was going to tell him was that I was running late, so don't worry maybe leave the keys under a mat or something and directions to rehersal dinner. But I was greeted with a, (in a very bigger Responsible brother to younger irresponsible sister kinda way) "Renee how is any one supposed to know where you are? where were you going? we're not at my house we're at Nancys moms house. Moms been worried sick she thought you were going to be here yesterday, she didn't sleep at all last night. blah blah blah and so on" if you ask my mom she'll say I didn't tell her I was staying at my friends house, if you ask me I'll say I did. Anyway Thankfully Nancys moms house (Nancy is the girl who now shares my last name) was in the other direction with no traffic. I made it there all sweaty and exasperated, and met my new soon to be Mexican family. That was the night before the wedding it still hadn't hit me quite yet that my brother was even engaged let alone getting married the next day.
That night I shared a couch with my little sissy Candice who started to fall asleep before me and I just wouldn't have that, cause I was still in the mood to talk and laugh at funny magazine pictures be silly and remenice. So I kept waking her up saying, hey Can, Can, Hey Can, look at this picture, until it finally got impossible and no longer fun to wake her up.
The next day was a busy day washing, shampooing blowdrying, and primping for the wedding. With three woman and one poor man sharing one bathroom. But somehow we were all about ready on time and off to the country club were the wedding was to take place. As I saw my family from both sides start to pile in (a truly joyful and momentous occasion) the reallness started to set in, my brother is getting married. Now there were a few mess ups in the wedding coordination like the wedding march starting to go off when my brother walked down the isle. And a heartbreaking reality of my Grandpas memory loss when he kept saying loudely during the ceremony what a cruel joke it was to play on him to bring him to his grandsons wedding with out having told him anything about it. But seeing a look on my brothers face that was breathtakingly startlesome as he caught sight of his bride walking down the aisle, time seemed to pause for a moment as I realised, wow life is now beggining, a new chapter of neices and nephews, cousins and memories, and I truly believe That I witnessed something magical.

my diet plan

2006-05-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

Well, Renee and Devons diet blogging has inspired me. I figure if I also blog about my own end of the dieting spectrum that me, Elena, Devon and Renee are all part of then it might be a motivator for me. First my reasons for dieting, which I don't even like the word diet, to me it is partner to all of the other foul four letter words that your not allowed to say in church. Why? because it brings up images of low fat, fake, cardboard tasting food, and feelings of anxiety that one chocolate chip cookie mess up can throw me into a binge of everything forbidden. With each and every day the constant 2 things on my mind being, have I lost weight yet, and hmm ben and jerrys. These are the reasons dieting has never worked for me, but all this being said, I do have a bit of an un healthy love affair with sugar, that keeps that unsightly spare tire everpresent around my waist. And I know how good it feels to actually want a fruit smoothy over Vanilla heath bar crunch. So with the help of motivating diet partners and beautiful weather, I am going say bye bye to sugar once again. My diet plan is this, it's pretty simple cause I don't stick with things not simple. I am going to vow right now to all of my friends who read this blog, that everytime I eat sugar of any sort that's been refined, I am going to record it in my blog (with the exception of sweetening my coffee, that will be my endulgence). That way I will be too embarrased to admit how very much sugar I eat and also I will have a lot of accountability. when I reach for that second peice of B-day cake I'll think oh wait I'll have to write this down on my blog, and then I'll be more inclined to pass it up. But I'm not going to completly deny myself , I won't say no b-day cake at all. So this is my plan. And I hope it works.

2006-05-16T14:00:00.000-07:00

All right who stole my personality. Could you please give it back, cause uh! I'm a little lost without it. well That's kinda how I feel. Lack of vision, lack of memory, lack of sense of anything just living day by day. I feel afraid to be excited about anything cause either it won't happen or if it does it wont be what I want after all. I'm sure that if I were to really seek God about this vagueness in my life it would be obvious that the problem is just that, I need to seek God. Lately If I hear anyone give the advise to seek God, dig deeper, press through, I want to just role my eyes and I think that may work for you, but I need more clarity. Then of course knowing how very wrong I am, I make a decision, I am going to give God more time. I am going to pray and seek him, I am going to put the creator of the universe first cause he's God and that’s common sense. Know having made this decision for the quazillionth time I come to God and can’t get past my selfish self. So I feel guilty, Why am I so selfish, why is it all about me, the rush of why’s and shoulds come rushing into my already crowded brain like the hoover dam just broke and I am overwhelmed, the easiest thing to do is just push it all away and go back to living day by day in confusion, silly I know but God always helps me out of these states of minds, and I know The hope I have is even though I am feeling this crazy way, God is stable and loving and has a plan for me. My weaknesses and selfishness never shock God or make him think, wow I don’t know about this Renee girl, I’d better use someone who’s stronger and a bit more stable, who always raises there hands in church and picks up every hitchhiker they come across, even the ones with dogs. No God reminds me that in my weakness he is strong, it’s him, it’s always him who is good. This is where my sigh of relief comes in and where I put my security. It will always be him who is good, and it will always be him who I put my every trust into and who will never let me down.

Frozen Marrow

2006-05-07T22:06:00.000-07:00

Yes I do feel like the marrow in my bones has frozen over. Right about the time I went to Sarahs house I didn't see how I could possible handle the cold any more. A mental brakedown was on it's way and looking back I was probably close to a "God I hate this, I can't handle the cold anymore, feel sorry for me, wah wah wah" temper tantrum. Then when I got down to Sarah's house God smiled on me with warm wheather. I never realised how much I love walking across warm hospital parking lots. I felt my spirits soar with the sun and that I could take on the world. Yet in a bit of denial that my mood really could depend that much on a little bit of warmth and sunshine. But now I'm back and shivering so hard I think my teeth are going to shatter into a million peices. My heater is off in my room, so my room feals like Alaska.Yes I know, lots and lots of complaning, I could totaly have it worse, like actually live in Alsaka. So on that note I am going to thank God that I am not an eskimo. And thank you Guys for listening to wy whiny babyness.

2006-05-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

Today I was sitting on the porch "watching" Bella and Hannah (I say "watching" cause really I was staring off into la la land) and must to have had a forlorn look on my face because the neighbor's voice came suddenly "your homesick huh?". I instinctively said "oh no just a little spaced out" then I realised actually he was quite right. And maybe that is why I am so spaced out all the time. They say home is where the heart is and maybe I'm a bit too protective over my heart to let it be lived in. As much as I hate plastic couch covers that keep furniture clean I use them all over my own heart home, and who wants to live in or visit a place like that. Yet realizations like that make me fall in love with God all the more, because I remember how intune with me he is and how he knows me like no other. God works on my shortcomings and it is an exciting adventure (though sometimes extremely painful), because the more God uncovers in me these weeknesses the more I cling to him and he comes through with comfort like the biggest strongest coolest bestest daddy that he is.

Fun at Nathan and Sara's

2006-05-01T00:32:00.000-07:00

Tha nksbetoSara,mommyofthree,Ifinallyha veablogpage. Icometohelphe rwithhernewb ab yand shegetsmeontheblogbandwagon. Ok That bit of confusion was nathans idea, ha ha, we're all three standing around the computer laughing. He wants me to make the whole first post like that but I'm too chicken. I've been having a merry ol' time at Nathan and Sara's, getting an in depth look of the intensity of motherhood. Yet still daydreaming about the day I get to take part in that same intensity. Eddy and Renee Came up for a few days and it was heaven, haveing so many friends around just hanging out and fellowshiping. I've realised that fellowship is probably my most favorite thing in the world. I feel so happy when friends are around and there's nothing to do but hang out and reminice over all the beauty gained through shared experiences. Sometimes so happy tears start to well up around my eyes because I know no way to contain the joy. I think those are the times that God nudges my side with his elbow and says, see Renee this is what I'm talking about.

2006-05-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

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